Gentlemen, behold!

I’m professionally retracting my statement to my life’s writers. I think they are...

Fri, 29 Jul 2011 22:42:16 -0500

I’m professionally retracting my statement to my life’s writers. I think they are waiting to write her into the right spot.

Saw this, thought of my friends.

Thu, 28 Jul 2011 21:48:23 -0500

Saw this, thought of my friends.

I need to contact the writers who are scripting the screen play of my life. They always use this...

Thu, 28 Jul 2011 08:22:07 -0500

I need to contact the writers who are scripting the screen play of my life. They always use this same plot hook of boy meets girl and then girl drops off the face of the earth. It’s not creative and it sucks. I mean, now I just go “Oh look, this again. Oh well.” But I should be kept interested. Try this. Next time you want to end a relationship, end it off spectacularly with fires, explosions, and preferably something that doesn’t make me die, inside or for realsies.

Don’t you love it when you have no idea what’s going on? Me neither! I just started...

Sat, 23 Jul 2011 15:46:50 -0500

Don’t you love it when you have no idea what’s going on? Me neither! I just started talking to this girl at work and everybody decided “HOLY FUCK AUSTIN LIKES WOMEN? LET’S ASK HIM NUMEROUS QUESTIONS ABOUT IT THAT HE PROBABLY CAN’T ANSWER!” It’s hard to get a grasp on what’s going on. Especially when I got her number yesterday and people were asking if we had been out two days ago. :|

Seriously, guys, the one time I try to take it slow it explodes. Now I find myself pressured to do things I normally wouldn’t and I’m slightly worried that I fucked it up already. Shit.

It feels like high school.

spreadthetomfoolery: EVERYONE WATCH THIS VIDEO!!!!! Sorry...

Wed, 20 Jul 2011 15:44:41 -0500

spreadthetomfoolery:

EVERYONE WATCH THIS VIDEO!!!!!

Sorry Jelli, for this is the third time we shot this and i started forgetting shoutouts!

Yeah. You did.

You remembered my sister though which you both have yet to meet. If only Audrey knew what was happening.

Here’s something came up with today. I thought it sounded cool. “Don’t let...

Mon, 11 Jul 2011 23:28:01 -0500

Here’s something came up with today. I thought it sounded cool.

“Don’t let yourself ache and pain from the unknown, instead relish and love the known.”

Some snippets.

Sun, 19 Jun 2011 13:44:14 -0500

Short little stories of mine.

I was listening to the radio and it started to tell me that I should donate my car to blind people. So obviously I started to listen. There’s a charity asking me to donate my car to someone who is blind. What is he going to do? ~~Stare at it?~~ Touch it? I hope he or she is not going to drive said vehicle. It would be complete carnage. Charities want so much out of us these days. It used to be just “give us some money so that we can give it to someone else who needs it more.” Now I’m being asked to give up my car, my home, and my ~~wife~~ ~~girlfriend~~ ~~lover~~ income? Ridiculous.

So how did Li’l John ever make an album? I’m pretty sure you can only mix “YEAH”, “OKAAAY”, and “WAT” in so many ways. I’m pretty sure all of his fame comes from getting on other people’s songs. Now there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Now imagine him in other genres like country. “My wife left me this morning, YEAH. And my dog died to, OKAAAY”. Or metal, “Release the kraken from the briny depths, OKAAAY. His power is greater than any other, YEAH.” I bet even emos kids would get a kick out of Li’l John, “I cut myself at night, OKAAAY. And I dream about dudes peeing, WAT.”

Ever been sleeping, wake up in the middle of the night, and get really mad a yourself for waking up? Just me? Well anyway, one night I was asleep. All the sudden I woke up to me counting down from 10 in my head. I started get very angry at myself and started yelling at me mentally. This occurred at least two more times that, each progressively worse. I woke up the next day, vaguely recalling all this and going “What the fuck happened last night?”

dangerouskayj: rochiieboo: ._.

Sun, 19 Jun 2011 00:08:28 -0500

dangerouskayj:

rochiieboo:

._.

Well Shit

Wed, 15 Jun 2011 23:26:00 -0500

Well shit, let’s chalk another failure under romantic excursions. While we’re here, we might as well add to times I felt bad, girls who suddenly stopped talking to me, and add, once again, to the list of things I would like to stop happening to me.

Maybe I should stop getting excited, because whenever I do shit happens. I don’t like shit. Shit sucks. The only thing I keep pondering is why so much? Why does this keep happening? Plus, if I were to add my religion to the mixture, she was Christian. Not somebody who went to church twice a year but a legit Christian. So that makes it even more confusing.

Ladies, take note. Guys do NOT like being left hanging under ANY circumstances. Not even a little. Quite honestly, I would much rather you say “Fuck off you creeper” then for you to not say anything for a week and leave me wondering what happened. That way, I know for fact that you don’t want to talk to me ever again. In my opinion, there’s no mistake in “Get the fuck away from me”. A message like that is loud and clear.

So yeah. I am, once again, in a funk over women. You’d think I’d either be a monk or gay by now with all the crap I’ve taken from women. I don’t hate them. I just hate the way I’ve been treated. In most of these situations, I would have forgiven them after all was said and done. Like this one.

Seriously, this needs to stop ASAP. Please.

Just had a great date with previously mentioned girl. I think I...

Mon, 13 Jun 2011 16:25:32 -0500

Just had a great date with previously mentioned girl. I think I finally met someone who won’t end up messing with my mind. Plus this song is awesome.

DUCK EVERYTHING OMG LIKE EVERYTHING SUCKS DUCKS

Sun, 12 Jun 2011 23:06:11 -0500

Did I get your attention? Good.

Here’s a duck.

…

Were you expecting something sad? Well too bad kid I’m actually quite dandy right now. I met a fine lady recently. She’s quite the catch in my opinion. Not only does she play video games but she has been playing Banjo-Kazooie, one of the best games of all time. OF ALL TIME.(And from what she’s telling me, she’s actually doing fairly well) Also, not only is her taste in music not typical (pop and rap hybrid shit) but it also includes Deftones and other amazing bands. She’s also very cute and she talks back to me! (Unfortunately this is something I have to look for, a damn shame) Plus she’s in very good shape. So yeah, women. I only met her thursday so we still have to see how this will go, but it’s looking good.

Brotip: How to say no to really bad work shifts.

Sat, 11 Jun 2011 23:08:00 -0500

For most people, it’s the early shift or the really late shift. You know what I mean, it’s that name of night/morning when nobody is on the road except for that other guy who’s going to his crappy 5 AM shift. So I have compiled a couple methods to avoid these shifts.

First Method: Warn the boss

What this method is not is you going “Holy fuck farts Mr. Wilson if I have to get on the interstate at four in the morning I’m going the rape your cat.” No. No. No. No. That will get you fired. Mrs. Wilson does not enjoy that sight, not that, I would know.

This is you saying “If you put me on this shift then those customers will be getting lesser quality of service/I’ll fall asleep/The job won’t be done correctly.” This hardly ever works, but when it does, you’re boss is stupid and you should probably go ahead and try to extort money out of him while you’re at it.

Second Method: Complain

Whine and bitch and moan about working this shift. A lot. This won’t get you any friends (as a matter of fact people might hate you) but if you do it enough your boss will be all like “Oh my gosh, I swear this kid is worse than my five year old bastard child. I am never going to put him on this shift again.” Tada. No work friends and no work worries! It’s great.

Third Method: Magic

But seriously, I don’t get this shift at work and I’m certain it’s magic. Not the fact that my co-workers take the shifts like idiots, but magic.

Fourth Method: Complete Refusal

When offered the crappy shift, follow these steps

Step 1: Say “Nope” (Protip: The expression helps your cause)

When that doesn’t work, try next step.

Step 2: Burn down office

Now, you’ll probably lose your job and you may end up in jail, but at least you’re not working that stupid fucking 5 AM shift. Who swims at 5 fucking am? I mean shit people go to bed…

*ahem*

Sorry, I ranted a little bit there. Thanks for tuning in to Brotip.

This.

Fri, 03 Jun 2011 21:33:36 -0500

This.

You know you’re messed up when you lie to yourself, but it takes a really fucked up guy to lie...

Mon, 30 May 2011 23:41:35 -0500

You know you’re messed up when you lie to yourself, but it takes a really fucked up guy to lie to himself and believe it.

And sometimes, I feel really fucked up.

I need to get out of my bed room more. I leave to work, eat, and do other menial tasks but that’s it. If only the stars would align and make some things fall into place. Unfortunately, they don’t do that very often. I do wish it would happen just one more time.

You know you have fallen far if all you want is to see a certain someone. Unfortunately for me, this...

Mon, 30 May 2011 00:46:11 -0500

You know you have fallen far if all you want is to see a certain someone. Unfortunately for me, this could apply to me twice over. I want my father back home and I want this girl close. I’m drained. I feel like I’m just retracing my steps everyday. I want something to happen. I want my life to be shaken just a little bit in some way. Maybe this weekend my dad would come home, I go out with the girl, and I meet a cool new friend. I really don’t care. It could just something as simple as a funny little story to tell. I’m just tired of waking up, working for some ammount of time, coming home, not doing anything, and then sleeping just to wake up to the same day once more.

I want different, is that so much?

Febreeze

Mon, 25 Apr 2011 22:33:00 -0500

Apparently, Febreeze was out to get me today. I needed some because my car spelled (or dank for all homies) so I got Febreeze.

That stuff is phenomenally confusing. I tried to unlock the nozzle and ended up getting Febreeze all over my hands. The it started half-assedly squirting until I realized I had not unlocked it all the way.

I feel so much dumber.

I went paint balling today. I only had on a thin layer of...

Sun, 24 Apr 2011 00:16:35 -0500

I went paint balling today. I only had on a thin layer of clothing when this happened. That changed quickly.

Best Acting Part Ever

Sat, 23 Apr 2011 00:26:56 -0500

My friend Ben has been in lots of plays in stuff, but I can say I’ve had the best part ever.

Better than Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mr. T, or Clint Eastwood in stuff they’ve been. (I don’t have time to list their good roles, just try to remember them)

I played dead Jesus in my church’s Good Friday service.

I was carried in by four other guys and laid in a tomb. Five minutes later, the service is over.

It was so electrifying to play this part. I really felt alive (lol a pun) playing the part. The part where I was dead the best part.

When I get my Tony (If the Oscar is for movies, the Tony is for theatre) for theatrical excellence, I’ll totally not mention anybody who actually helped me land this role and instead name random people I find off of facebook and pretend like I know them or something.

Then I will get totally trashed at the after party, ruin my career, call my ex-wife to yell at her and call her a pig in heat, win, take pictures of me wielding a knife on my friend, have my sexuality and/or genitalia put into question, win, adopt an African family, make a crappy pop album that still sells millions for the sole reason that it has my name on it, forget to wear underwear under my skirt, attack paparazzi, shave my head, get jailed for drug abuse and then get out in twelve hours, make a sex tape, become ridiculously rich for no reason at all, win some more, do lines of crack off a hooker’s ass, get fat, and continue to fuck shit up like the gosh-durned celebrity I am.

Yeah, that’d be cool.

Boy I Hate Drivers

Fri, 22 Apr 2011 23:50:20 -0500

So I was waiting at a red light right? I had left a good sized gap between me and the car in front of me. The guy behind me thought it was a good idea to drive around me (into the right turn lane) and cut in front of me. I was like

I mean, seriously. What possibly crossed his mind? Who goes out of there way to be that much of a jerk? Whatever. We both had our windows down. I wish I had said something witty.

I want to learn this song on drums really badly all of the...

Thu, 21 Apr 2011 21:20:00 -0500

I want to learn this song on drums really badly all of the sudden.